The Engagement Party. Part 2.

A few months ago I posted an intro to engagement parties, but a recent engagement of a friend has inspired me to go back and make sure that my notes on the beginning steps are as robust as possible. A PDF version of the engagement party basics is available here, but I've made a summary below as well.

*image sourced from Renaissance Studios

The engagement party is the first celebration a couple has to celebrate their decision to marry. It is an opportunity for them to share their happiness with their family and friends and also for the two families to get to know each other better. Though traditional and quite popular, they are not required.

There are two main rules to the engagement party:  First, while the theme, decoration and grandeur does not need to match the wedding, it must not outshine it. If the couple is planning an informal wedding, the engagement party should be on the casual side as well. Second, but most important, everyone invited to the engagement party must be invited to the wedding.

 

TIMELINE.
The engagement party should occur soon after the proposal is accepted – typically within the first couple of months. If the couple is having a shorter engagement, the party should be scheduled closer to the engagement than to the wedding.

Letting close family and friends hear the good news from you first, in person or over the phone. They should definitely be notified before they receive an invitation in the mail. Invitations should go out at least a few weeks in advance, to give invited guests a chance to arrange their schedules. If guests are coming in from out of town, four to six weeks advance is preferable.


THE HOSTS.
The bride’s parents customarily have first shot at hosting the engagement party. If the groom’s parents want to throw an engagement party, they should definitely check with the bride’s parents to see if they already have intentions to throw a party themselves. If so, the bride’s parents get first choice of date with the groom’s parents scheduling their party to follow it. While it is most often the parents of the bride who host the engagement party, extended family, the groom’s family, or close friends are more than welcome to as well. It is even perfectly fine for couples to throw their own engagement party.

Whoever ends up hosting should always check with the couple in advance to find out what dates work best for them and to begin creating a guest list. If another relative or close friend is planning to throw an engagement party for the couple, they should check first with both sets of parents as well as the couple, to avoid stepping on anyone’s toes.

Since the engagement party is an act of generosity and affection on the part of the hosts, the bride-and groom-to-be should want to give a thank-you gift to the host. The gift doesn’t have to be anything fancy, and your best present will come from the heart. Be creative and select something that is as special as the party was.


THE GUEST LIST.

As engagement parties are typically a more intimate affair, and since everyone who is invited to the engagement party must be invited to the wedding, invitations are extended only to close friends and family that you are sure will be invited to the wedding. The guest list for your wedding might seem like a lot figure out so far ahead of time, but a little thought can save you a lot of trouble later. Also, people invited to an engagement party will naturally assume they will receive an invitation to the wedding, and the last thing you want to do is raise any false expectations.

*image sourced from 1035 Post Street Events.

INVITATIONS.
Unlike a wedding invitation, it is not required that engagement party invitations are printed. Email or online services to send customized e-mailed invitations are becoming more common and if done properly, can be appropriate.

If opting for an e-invitation, there are some general rules to follow:

• make sure the email addresses of all recipients are correct, that all invited guests check their email regularly and that none of the recipients are internet challenged; 
• BCC everyone on the emailing list – it is impossible to know who might be careless with the ‘Reply All’ button;
• follow up by phone if a response has not yet received within a couple of days.

The following general information should be shown on whatever type of invitation is used:

• why you are throwing the party (that it is an engagement party); 
• who the party is honouring (this is especially important if the invitee does not know the host);
• what kind of party it is (ie. cocktail, brunch);
• when it is being held (ie. day and time);
• where it is being held (ie. street address and directions);
• dress code, if needed (ie. black tie, casual);
• a date by when to rsvp.

THEME.
When deciding what type of party tp have, remember that the best party will one where the couple and their hosts can focus on and enjoy socializing with their guests rather than on making the party run smoothly. Thinking about the guest list, the venue, and any special things that you would like to incorporate will help you figure out whether you want to throw a cocktail party, a dinner party or a party with a strong theme. Regardless of the degree of formality the party is having, every guest will want to have a chance to speak to the happy couple, so it’s best to be sure to make the rounds or to have someone discreetly jump in every now and then to politely excuse the couple so they can continue to mingle.

The Classic Engagement Party.

The classic engagement party is suitable to a wide range of budgets. It typically features cocktails and hors d’oeuvres with dessert and coffee set later in the evening. While it guarantees a relaxed setting where guests can mingle and chat with the happy couple, it can also be more formal with the right decorations and dress code.

The Details. Cocktails, hors d’oeuvres, dessert tables, lots of champagne, party dresses and suits.

An Intimate Dinner Party.

A beautiful, intimate get together for a group small enough to be comfortably seated at one table.

The Details. A cozy sit down dinner, toasts, coffee, desserts, candles, close friends and family.

TOASTS.
Whoever is hosting the event has dibs on the first toast. For example, if the engagement party is being given by the bride's parents, the bride's father proposes the first toast to the bride and her fiancé. Then, the fiancé rises and toasts his bride-to-be and her parents, and then his own parents. As a last toast before the floor is open, the engaged couple will want to toast the host for their hospitality and graciousness for gathering everyone together.

 

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS.

Question. When planning an engagement party, should guests who live far away be sent an invitation?

Answer. Typically, no, however the exception to this rule is if an important friend or family member who lives far away would feel hurt if they weren’t invited.

Question. Do guests have to bring a gift to the engagement party?

Answer. No. The rule of thumb is that gifts are not given to celebrate an engagement, however if you do feel the need to bring a gift, it should be given discreetly and should never be opened at the party. This will avoid embarrassing other guests who (quite appropriately) did not bring a gift.

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The Engagement Party.

At a party last week, one of my many beautiful friends named Katie said she loved to read my blog because she felt like she was learning through all of my experiences. Well, Katie, I’m now officially entering completely foreign territory: The Engagement Party. I wish I could find a really good resource for the how’s and what’s, but so far I’m only finding bits and pieces from different websites. So, it has been back to high school/college days of research and resisting the urge to gnaw on my pencil out of frustration! There's nothing like a little classic Lionel Richie and a pint of Strongbow to get one inspired to write.

As one might imagine, the ideal time to have engagement party is as soon after the engagement as possible, when the news is still at the peak of its excitement. Some opt to actually announce the engagement at the party, but finding the best excuse for why you’re gathering so many people together may not be easy. This is especially true since technology has really bent the rules of social formalities, so it has become more common (just as it was in our case) that the news is out before the bride-to-be even realizes the proposal is happening. I thought at first this meant that it shouldn’t be celebrated since everyone already knew, but I’ve come to realize that it doesn't mean our engagement can’t be formally announced or celebrated with a good time!

The traditional rules of etiquette say that guests invited to the engagement party will also be invited to the wedding, but the list of invitees will be shorter in order to make it a more intimate celebration. With small or destination weddings becoming so hip, it is also becoming more accepted to include those who will not be able to attend the wedding. Both families (or all three in our case!) should be invited along with close family friends as well as the bride and groom’s own close friends.

I’ve been reading that while gifts are not customary at an engagement party, some guests will likely arrive with some because it is a natural impulse to bring a gift when celebrating an event. Although I have been reading that the bride-to-be and groom-to-be should be registering fairly soon after the event just in case some guests to ask the hosts about where we are registered, I just feel really awkward about this. I don’t feel comfortable registering and passing the info of our registry to the family members organizing the celebration, when our guests will also be attending the wedding. I personally would prefer not to make our hosts feel that they need to pass this information on, or that they themselves need to bring a gift since they are already giving us the gift of throwing us a party.

Every family and situation will be different, especially for those mentioned above who will be having guests not be able to attend the wedding for whatever reason (tight guest list or destination wedding, previous commitments, etc.). For very informal parties, of family and a few close friends, it is unlikely a guest will present anything more than a bottle of wine or some appetizers, the same tokens they might bring to any event, but I can see why it might still be a good idea to inform the host about where the bride-to-be and groom-to-be have registered, however I am personally still torn on the idea and will be happy just to have everyone there!

Regardless of the degree of formality the party is having, every guest will want to have a chance to speak to the happy couple, so it’s best to be sure to make the rounds or to have someone discreetly jump in every now and then to politely excuse the couple so they can continue to mingle.

Toasts. These seem important! Whomever is hosting the event has dibs on the first toast. For example, if the engagement party is being given by the bride's parents, the bride's father proposes the first toast to the bride and her fiancé. Then, the fiancé rises and toasts his bride-to-be and her parents, and then his own parents. Once the hosts, parents and bride-to-be and groom-to-be have had the chance to toast, the floor is then open. One extremely important thing to remember: the engaged couple will want to toast the host for their hospitality and graciousness for gathering everyone together.

Since the engagement party is an act of generosity and affection on the part of the hosts, the bride-and groom-to-be should want to give a thank-you gift to the host. The gift doesn’t have to be anything fancy, and your best present will come from the heart. Be creative and select something that is as special as the party was.

Lastly, savour this celebration. There will be many memorable stops along the road to a wedding, but this is the first apart from the proposal, and will linger in memory with a special significance.

Hope this summary of what I've discovered so far will be helpful! I'll definitely share all the details about our event after it's happened!